It happens, I know. But today was just difficult. No particular reason, just didn’t feel motivated to do anything. I forced myself to take Link to the dog park, even went earlier to just get out of my place. The skies were gray at the time, and cooler weather than I thought. I underdressed. When I showed up to the dog park, it was empty, and I kinda enjoyed that. I had the place to myself with Link. I’m pretty sure Link wanted another dog to play with. But either way, the normal people that come eventually showed up and the skies got sunny, and it got warmer. So things felt better. I was distracted. It felt okay for a bit. But reality sets in. My reality at the time. The stress and pressure of finding a new job in a timeframe that I gave myself wasn’t going to plan. I just had that feeling of worthlessness again. I got a really nice work recommendation from my old boss, who literally owes me nothing, and that almost made me cried. The words, whether true or not, felt good to read. I need to read them again to remind myself I am talented. My low points can be low, and it’s damaging.
My sister asked me how I was doing. I said I could have been better. She has been offering to listen and talk a lot, ever since I was hospitalized from a panic attack. It’s nice of her to offer. But it does feel uncomfortable opening up to family members who don’t quite understand the journey I’ve been on mentally. It’s hard to describe the worthlessness, the not being good enough feeling. Especially when I’m on a medical leave. The concern and worry I understand, but I don’t want my family to worry more than they should. How much of it is in my head anyway? Am I being dramatic? Too sensitive? I don’t even fucking know anymore. I do know how to put my feelings into words better than I had in the past. Most days I just look forward to spending time with Link, though frustrating at times, is pretty much the thing that keeps me going at this point. I fear that my timeframe will expire and I’ll have to request extended medical leave for everything to work out with myself getting better.