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don't take it for gospel Posts

rising temps

Published 03/06/2022 by j.w

It is way too warm today. Current weather app says it’s 75ºF outside. I’m not used to it. This is the in-between weather where I don’t know how to dress. Hoodie? T-Shirt? Jeans? Shorts? It takes too much effort to think about. These past couple of days have been weird. Even my sleep tracker shows a bit of uneasiness. Not like that is completely accurate, but it’s true. I don’t have a great record at sleep. I have that feeling where it’s too bright. I want to shut my eyes, apply some pressure, and just stop my thoughts from flowing. I should have meditated. Going to the dog park is a bit of meditation for me. It’s regular, and it’s focusing on the present that helps. Watching Link helps me. He’s such a good doggy. He’s loyal, and definitely MY dog. He plays well with other dogs, friendly, and just a great happiness for me. It’s noticeable and nice to have that confirmed by other dog owners at the park. He’s great at everything. As much work as it is to take care of him, it’s really just nice to have him with me. He’s been my main focus in these tougher times. Honestly, I don’t know what my life would be without him right now. He’s annoyingly lovable. He gets me up in the morning even on days when I don’t want to. His loyalty and love and friendship are really what is great. The assurance is there. I can’t help but smile when I see his face. And I know it’s reciprocated. As of right now, he’s looking out the window, trying so hard not to fall asleep. He wants to know what I’m doing sitting on my bed type.

I’m trying not to fall asleep. Like I said, it hasn’t been easy sleeping. Lights are blinding. I have an itchy feeling of anxiety, like I’m supposed to be doing something. I’m missing something or forgetting. I’m not quite sure what it is. I’m learning to accept that though. Not knowing, or trying to figure that “thing” is. It’s just a waste of time. If it’ll occur to me, it will, but there really isn’t much I could do. So I just sit here typing my thoughts, and one after the other, I type.

yesterday, today, tomorrow.

Published 03/04/2022 by j.w

I have had some interesting thoughts and conversations lately. they’ve been reflective of who I was, am, and want to be. Not all are necessarily good, but not bad either. I… just exist in these scenarios. I’ve thought about who I used to be. I’m not really embarrassed of who I was. Inherently, I was a good person, am a good person. I don’t really wish any malice on anyone. I don’t “hate” anyone. I try to do “good” things. My parents taught me well, to be a good person in the world. I’ve told them not too long ago that… with all the shit they’ve instilled into me, the good, the bad, the anxiety, the depression, everything, they should be proud. I’m not saying that in an arrogant way, but for most grown ups, or how your kid “ends up” being… I’m not so bad. Sure, I have my struggles with my self, but I would say the world would be better if there were more thoughtful people in it. The world, as a whole, is struggling. The past 6 years or so…I wonder how we got to today. Some part of me says ‘well, this makes sense.’ but majority of my thought process is ‘what the fuck?’ My life up until now has gone so fast.

That saying “Life goes by quickly” never gets repetitive. Ironically. I’ve been hearing it as far back as I remember. Mostly when I was working with older people. Like when I was working at the grocery store…I was the youngest worker there. “Oh, you’re so young, you got your whole life ahead of you” before making a decision. Any life decisions. At the time, I’ve convinced myself that I can procrastinate. I could put things off. I STILL feel like I can procrastinate on parts of my life. Just the day before last, I told myself I could put off doing laundry for another day. I had the time, the clean underwear, and nothing in the way. I literally just didn’t WANT to do laundry. The anxious-self from a previous version would never allow that. I would HAVE to do laundry that minute, or it wouldn’t get done. I remember in college, I told myself I would do laundry the next day, but it drove me crazy, so I had to do it that second, and I did. I took this attitude and applied it to a lot of things in my life. At times, it worked in favor of getting things done. Not being lazy, or procrastinating. But as I’m now older, I ask myself ‘why did I need to do that?’ Why did that drive me so batshit crazy? Maybe there are no answers, and that’s okay.

Accepting to let things go is becoming a better habit. I need to learn it, as everything forces me not to. If you were to ask “what would you tell your younger self if given the chance?” I would say “Let things go naturally.” Things will become apparent with time and thought. Never force any given things. I’m not saying to “Go with the flow” anymore. At this point in my life, I can make things happen. I’m in control of what I want. I can make my life the way I want it to be. Things will not always be easy, but I can make it livable. I can enjoy the way I want to live by being more patient. Letting things go. Moving forward. I can care less what other people think. I put too much value in that. “What do you think?” I feel like I constantly have asked that question in my entire life. Ever since I was a little kid. Gaining approval from my parents, elders, peers, was so satisfying. That was my ego. I fed off of that energy. It meant I was doing something right, and that was good. But that house of cards crashes down hard. Especially when things don’t go my way. That reality where I’m not as good as I thought I was becomes very real, and making those illusions into reality became harder and harder to keep up.

As I look to tomorrow, I can say without a doubt that I am my most honest self. I think that’s important. Sure, I have to put on an act here or there, be my public self, but I’m still my honest self. I’m not always happy. I’m not always sad. I’m not only one thing all the time. Sometimes I wish I could be, but it’s not possible. So applying my reflections of “Letting go” and “Go with the flow, and “Life goes so fast…” I guess the conclusion for right now is to let it be “Just now.” Enjoy this moment. No matter how bad it gets, or will get, just enjoy the moments when I can, because I know when I look back on it, it probably wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

Next up: timelines.

Downer day

Published 03/02/2022 by j.w

It happens, I know. But today was just difficult. No particular reason, just didn’t feel motivated to do anything. I forced myself to take Link to the dog park, even went earlier to just get out of my place. The skies were gray at the time, and cooler weather than I thought. I underdressed. When I showed up to the dog park, it was empty, and I kinda enjoyed that. I had the place to myself with Link. I’m pretty sure Link wanted another dog to play with. But either way, the normal people that come eventually showed up and the skies got sunny, and it got warmer. So things felt better. I was distracted. It felt okay for a bit. But reality sets in. My reality at the time. The stress and pressure of finding a new job in a timeframe that I gave myself wasn’t going to plan. I just had that feeling of worthlessness again. I got a really nice work recommendation from my old boss, who literally owes me nothing, and that almost made me cried. The words, whether true or not, felt good to read. I need to read them again to remind myself I am talented. My low points can be low, and it’s damaging.

My sister asked me how I was doing. I said I could have been better. She has been offering to listen and talk a lot, ever since I was hospitalized from a panic attack. It’s nice of her to offer. But it does feel uncomfortable opening up to family members who don’t quite understand the journey I’ve been on mentally. It’s hard to describe the worthlessness, the not being good enough feeling. Especially when I’m on a medical leave. The concern and worry I understand, but I don’t want my family to worry more than they should. How much of it is in my head anyway? Am I being dramatic? Too sensitive? I don’t even fucking know anymore. I do know how to put my feelings into words better than I had in the past. Most days I just look forward to spending time with Link, though frustrating at times, is pretty much the thing that keeps me going at this point. I fear that my timeframe will expire and I’ll have to request extended medical leave for everything to work out with myself getting better.

I’ll chalk this one up to…

Published 02/28/2022 by j.w

There’s too many micro-aggression racist comments to even list in my lifetime. I usually just let it go without even giving it any real power to bother me. why waste a second on something that would take hours to explain? no one would understand it from my perspective, or I’d be considered too sensitive about my “race” or “that’s not what they meant” by saying this.

At the dog park today, where I frequently go these days as my social outlet, about a group of 5 liberal people I get along with were talking about the Russian/Ukrainian invasion war that is happening. We discussed how shady governments do to their citizens if you speak badly about your country. I understand the power of free speech. I understand that there are consequences to it as well. but what I don’t understand is when a person who I’m having an intelligent conversation with just blurts out “like the CHINESE! I hate the Chinese!—- the government, I mean” then awkwardly looks at me. I respond “I’m American, I’m not offended” as if I was supposed to be. But the assumption that I COULD be offended is what bothers me. Yes, I am Chinese, by race, but culturally, I’m American. it’s a longer conversation to put in a blog post with limited time until my therapy session.

it’s been two weeks since my last session. I can say that I’ve felt better now that I’m on medical leave. The amount of stress I’ve been putting myself under was unbearable. If I didn’t take this time off, I’m not sure what would have become of me to be honest. that’s what I’m trying to write and do. be honest. I can say the last few days weren’t great, but they were not terrible, dreadful days like some have been. I haven’t been eating the best, but at least I’ve been eating. my head feels less noisy. and there are just simpler things to focus on, it’s just what I need at the moment.

As for my job search, I’ve applied, but have heard nothing. That’s all I really can say about that. I think the ease of having everything being digital these days makes it better, but not necessarily easier, or fairer. it’s a completely different process than what it was 20 years ago. Now, I sound old, but I have worked my way up to that entitlement.

I sit and wait.

Published 02/23/2022 by j.w

Not necessarily wait. I make things happen, once in a while. When the feeling of depression doesn’t overwhelm me. Today was an inside day. Kept to myself, interacted with very few, except for the time I left to run some errands. I barely even ate today, but I feel fine. I ate a lot over the weekend, probably more than I should have. hunger is every so often now. for food, for things I want. little things satiate my hunger. I can tell you that today I am hungry to draw. and drawing has been my outlet for my depressive state of mind. it clears my head. I can literally draw my feelings out, and most people can’t draw. I still have that talent. the talent to draw, born with the ability to see things differently on practically any medium. it feels good. to know your talent. my talent has been on hiatus for a while. that’s what depression would do. it’s fucked up. what I would know, but not be inspired is such an awful feeling. and it’s hard to blame that on something else, like depression. or anxiety, or some fuckwad at work. but it’s the truth. people can make you feel horrible about yourself. they can fill your head with lies, and if they tell you enough of them, I can start to believe them. growing up, as a kid, this would happen a lot. and it would be such a bad feeling. even at my age now, it’s just gotten uncomfortable. too hard to ignore. since I’ve been drawing how I feel lately, I’ll share the sketches, final pieces, or whatever here. if I deem them worthy enough. but I am. I’m not the worthless piece of shit that my place of employment makes me out to be (more on that later as I continue writing). it goes beyond my lack of self confidence, and lack of self esteem. to be torn down, and never built back up is devastating. it’s hurtful. and trust, my employer does not give a fuck about life or death. they just care about $$$. which is the most fucked up part: they pretend like they care about your wellness, but they are completely transparent.

Here, I sit, in the dark, with a light shining behind me. I want to turn around, but there’s nothing in my foresight to turn around for. perhaps… things may change soon. I’m hoping they will. my power will come back to me. sooner than later I hope. welcome to 2022.

  • 2/22/2022