I have had some interesting thoughts and conversations lately. they’ve been reflective of who I was, am, and want to be. Not all are necessarily good, but not bad either. I… just exist in these scenarios. I’ve thought about who I used to be. I’m not really embarrassed of who I was. Inherently, I was a good person, am a good person. I don’t really wish any malice on anyone. I don’t “hate” anyone. I try to do “good” things. My parents taught me well, to be a good person in the world. I’ve told them not too long ago that… with all the shit they’ve instilled into me, the good, the bad, the anxiety, the depression, everything, they should be proud. I’m not saying that in an arrogant way, but for most grown ups, or how your kid “ends up” being… I’m not so bad. Sure, I have my struggles with my self, but I would say the world would be better if there were more thoughtful people in it. The world, as a whole, is struggling. The past 6 years or so…I wonder how we got to today. Some part of me says ‘well, this makes sense.’ but majority of my thought process is ‘what the fuck?’ My life up until now has gone so fast.
That saying “Life goes by quickly” never gets repetitive. Ironically. I’ve been hearing it as far back as I remember. Mostly when I was working with older people. Like when I was working at the grocery store…I was the youngest worker there. “Oh, you’re so young, you got your whole life ahead of you” before making a decision. Any life decisions. At the time, I’ve convinced myself that I can procrastinate. I could put things off. I STILL feel like I can procrastinate on parts of my life. Just the day before last, I told myself I could put off doing laundry for another day. I had the time, the clean underwear, and nothing in the way. I literally just didn’t WANT to do laundry. The anxious-self from a previous version would never allow that. I would HAVE to do laundry that minute, or it wouldn’t get done. I remember in college, I told myself I would do laundry the next day, but it drove me crazy, so I had to do it that second, and I did. I took this attitude and applied it to a lot of things in my life. At times, it worked in favor of getting things done. Not being lazy, or procrastinating. But as I’m now older, I ask myself ‘why did I need to do that?’ Why did that drive me so batshit crazy? Maybe there are no answers, and that’s okay.
Accepting to let things go is becoming a better habit. I need to learn it, as everything forces me not to. If you were to ask “what would you tell your younger self if given the chance?” I would say “Let things go naturally.” Things will become apparent with time and thought. Never force any given things. I’m not saying to “Go with the flow” anymore. At this point in my life, I can make things happen. I’m in control of what I want. I can make my life the way I want it to be. Things will not always be easy, but I can make it livable. I can enjoy the way I want to live by being more patient. Letting things go. Moving forward. I can care less what other people think. I put too much value in that. “What do you think?” I feel like I constantly have asked that question in my entire life. Ever since I was a little kid. Gaining approval from my parents, elders, peers, was so satisfying. That was my ego. I fed off of that energy. It meant I was doing something right, and that was good. But that house of cards crashes down hard. Especially when things don’t go my way. That reality where I’m not as good as I thought I was becomes very real, and making those illusions into reality became harder and harder to keep up.
As I look to tomorrow, I can say without a doubt that I am my most honest self. I think that’s important. Sure, I have to put on an act here or there, be my public self, but I’m still my honest self. I’m not always happy. I’m not always sad. I’m not only one thing all the time. Sometimes I wish I could be, but it’s not possible. So applying my reflections of “Letting go” and “Go with the flow, and “Life goes so fast…” I guess the conclusion for right now is to let it be “Just now.” Enjoy this moment. No matter how bad it gets, or will get, just enjoy the moments when I can, because I know when I look back on it, it probably wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.
Next up: timelines.