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Month: February 2022

I’ll chalk this one up to…

Published 02/28/2022 by j.w

There’s too many micro-aggression racist comments to even list in my lifetime. I usually just let it go without even giving it any real power to bother me. why waste a second on something that would take hours to explain? no one would understand it from my perspective, or I’d be considered too sensitive about my “race” or “that’s not what they meant” by saying this.

At the dog park today, where I frequently go these days as my social outlet, about a group of 5 liberal people I get along with were talking about the Russian/Ukrainian invasion war that is happening. We discussed how shady governments do to their citizens if you speak badly about your country. I understand the power of free speech. I understand that there are consequences to it as well. but what I don’t understand is when a person who I’m having an intelligent conversation with just blurts out “like the CHINESE! I hate the Chinese!—- the government, I mean” then awkwardly looks at me. I respond “I’m American, I’m not offended” as if I was supposed to be. But the assumption that I COULD be offended is what bothers me. Yes, I am Chinese, by race, but culturally, I’m American. it’s a longer conversation to put in a blog post with limited time until my therapy session.

it’s been two weeks since my last session. I can say that I’ve felt better now that I’m on medical leave. The amount of stress I’ve been putting myself under was unbearable. If I didn’t take this time off, I’m not sure what would have become of me to be honest. that’s what I’m trying to write and do. be honest. I can say the last few days weren’t great, but they were not terrible, dreadful days like some have been. I haven’t been eating the best, but at least I’ve been eating. my head feels less noisy. and there are just simpler things to focus on, it’s just what I need at the moment.

As for my job search, I’ve applied, but have heard nothing. That’s all I really can say about that. I think the ease of having everything being digital these days makes it better, but not necessarily easier, or fairer. it’s a completely different process than what it was 20 years ago. Now, I sound old, but I have worked my way up to that entitlement.

I sit and wait.

Published 02/23/2022 by j.w

Not necessarily wait. I make things happen, once in a while. When the feeling of depression doesn’t overwhelm me. Today was an inside day. Kept to myself, interacted with very few, except for the time I left to run some errands. I barely even ate today, but I feel fine. I ate a lot over the weekend, probably more than I should have. hunger is every so often now. for food, for things I want. little things satiate my hunger. I can tell you that today I am hungry to draw. and drawing has been my outlet for my depressive state of mind. it clears my head. I can literally draw my feelings out, and most people can’t draw. I still have that talent. the talent to draw, born with the ability to see things differently on practically any medium. it feels good. to know your talent. my talent has been on hiatus for a while. that’s what depression would do. it’s fucked up. what I would know, but not be inspired is such an awful feeling. and it’s hard to blame that on something else, like depression. or anxiety, or some fuckwad at work. but it’s the truth. people can make you feel horrible about yourself. they can fill your head with lies, and if they tell you enough of them, I can start to believe them. growing up, as a kid, this would happen a lot. and it would be such a bad feeling. even at my age now, it’s just gotten uncomfortable. too hard to ignore. since I’ve been drawing how I feel lately, I’ll share the sketches, final pieces, or whatever here. if I deem them worthy enough. but I am. I’m not the worthless piece of shit that my place of employment makes me out to be (more on that later as I continue writing). it goes beyond my lack of self confidence, and lack of self esteem. to be torn down, and never built back up is devastating. it’s hurtful. and trust, my employer does not give a fuck about life or death. they just care about $$$. which is the most fucked up part: they pretend like they care about your wellness, but they are completely transparent.

Here, I sit, in the dark, with a light shining behind me. I want to turn around, but there’s nothing in my foresight to turn around for. perhaps… things may change soon. I’m hoping they will. my power will come back to me. sooner than later I hope. welcome to 2022.

  • 2/22/2022

last night’s disturbing dream, with little detail

Published 02/22/2022 by j.w

lately, I’ve been having these vivid dreams. mostly having to do with family. I’d wake up thinking if that had really happened or not. I’d be in my bedroom, but thought I was in my bedroom from when I was a kid. from the door way, it looks like it could be my room, right across from my older sister’s, and an earshot away from my parents’. I wasn’t sure if I should call out. or not. but I’d wake up disturbed. in my dream, things had been misplaced, or what I thought was gone and donated were back, but loads of it. I’d have no where to store the old CDs, or whatever junk that was once part of my household. my parents had this “deal with it” attitude, which seemed perfectly normal. strange, because it felt like a memory more so than a dream. I had woken myself up as I normally do by screaming or talking in my sleep disagreeing about something. it felt strange. and it took more than a minute to gather myself to figure things out. it felt disorienting, concerning…I feel fine this morning, and already feeling productive. cleaning the floors. Link has made a mess, so doing the weekly thing. it’s a good habit to get into. especially if you have a robo vac that does a thorough upkeep of the place. you’d be surprised how much it collects in just a few days time. but it’s impressive.

up and running.

Published 02/22/2022 by j.w

finally got an actual domain for my thoughts. guess it makes it real. more real, since I’ve been on and off writing for years… but who knows if there’s a back up of all the things I used to write. this is a fresh start. a new point in my life anyway. hopefully, this will help in the long run, if not, it’s just another way of documenting my existence. the things I would do for mental health these days. for this being my first post in a long while, I’d bore you with the hoops I had been jumping through to just get this up. and it’s getting later and later of how I wanted to spend my evening. so, until tomorrow, when I have my thoughts a bit more organized.