Not necessarily wait. I make things happen, once in a while. When the feeling of depression doesn’t overwhelm me. Today was an inside day. Kept to myself, interacted with very few, except for the time I left to run some errands. I barely even ate today, but I feel fine. I ate a lot over the weekend, probably more than I should have. hunger is every so often now. for food, for things I want. little things satiate my hunger. I can tell you that today I am hungry to draw. and drawing has been my outlet for my depressive state of mind. it clears my head. I can literally draw my feelings out, and most people can’t draw. I still have that talent. the talent to draw, born with the ability to see things differently on practically any medium. it feels good. to know your talent. my talent has been on hiatus for a while. that’s what depression would do. it’s fucked up. what I would know, but not be inspired is such an awful feeling. and it’s hard to blame that on something else, like depression. or anxiety, or some fuckwad at work. but it’s the truth. people can make you feel horrible about yourself. they can fill your head with lies, and if they tell you enough of them, I can start to believe them. growing up, as a kid, this would happen a lot. and it would be such a bad feeling. even at my age now, it’s just gotten uncomfortable. too hard to ignore. since I’ve been drawing how I feel lately, I’ll share the sketches, final pieces, or whatever here. if I deem them worthy enough. but I am. I’m not the worthless piece of shit that my place of employment makes me out to be (more on that later as I continue writing). it goes beyond my lack of self confidence, and lack of self esteem. to be torn down, and never built back up is devastating. it’s hurtful. and trust, my employer does not give a fuck about life or death. they just care about $$$. which is the most fucked up part: they pretend like they care about your wellness, but they are completely transparent.
Here, I sit, in the dark, with a light shining behind me. I want to turn around, but there’s nothing in my foresight to turn around for. perhaps… things may change soon. I’m hoping they will. my power will come back to me. sooner than later I hope. welcome to 2022.
